In life, we often face difficult challenges, which aren’t easy for most people. Mag. Nastja Mulej, the only licensed trainer of de Bono’s thinking tools in Slovenia, explained how to get through tough times and losses, shift focus from negative thoughts, stay positive, learn optimism, and start thinking differently to move forward in life.
“Positive psychology is considered a young field of psychology that gradually developed after World War II. It’s a response to classical psychology, which deals with human problems and solving them. It’s a step beyond studying neuroses, psychoses, clinical symptoms, developmental delays, and the darker sides of human personality. Positive psychology explores human resources and strengths. It reveals how people develop creativity, courage, enthusiasm, hope, positive emotions, positive beliefs, spirituality, optimism, and much more. The focus of positive psychology is on the bright side of human personality, and the main question is how to contribute to an individual’s quality of life,” explains Mag. Nastja Mulej, the only licensed trainer of de Bono’s thinking tools in Slovenia. She is also a master of communication, an economist, and a sociologist who teaches people creative thinking and how to creatively face challenges. For 12 years, she has been the driving force behind the platform Positive Psychology for a Better Life.
Let’s Learn Optimism!
“The founder is considered to be American Dr. Martin Seligman, whose book Learned Optimism is also translated into Slovenian. The title of this book is also my advice. I’ll mention one of the strategies from the book: it’s the way we explain events, which we learn as children. A pessimistic explanatory style is personal, permanent, and general—for example, if a pessimistic person loses their job, they see the problem within themselves, thinking ‘I’m not good enough,’ it seems like a lasting problem, thinking ‘I’ll never find a new job,’ and general, thinking ‘I’m a bad worker.’ Optimists, on the other hand, view the same situation from a different perspective, which allows them to handle everyday problems and obstacles more easily. They are less likely to give up and are more persistent and successful than pessimists. It goes without saying that an optimist, with their positive attitude and goal focus, will find a new job much faster than a pessimist. Optimists and pessimists also react differently to positive life events, with optimists attributing positive events to themselves, in a lasting and general way, while pessimists see them as impersonal, temporary, and specific.”
Shift Focus from Negative Thoughts
How can we learn to change the way we interpret various events?
“I’ll mention five steps Seligman uses in cognitive-behavioral therapy. First, we learn to recognize the automatic thoughts that run through our minds when we feel bad. Second, we learn to challenge these automatic thoughts by gathering opposing evidence. Third, we learn to create different, new interpretations. Fourth, we learn to shift focus away from negative thoughts. Fifth, we learn to recognize the assumptions that lead to depression, influencing our emotions and behavior, and to question them. Optimism won’t be learned overnight—it requires a lot of will and perseverance, but the effort is definitely worth it.”
Starting Anew Is a Privilege
How can one continue after difficult life experiences, or even start fresh?
“Starting anew is truly a privilege. We all sometimes dream of a fresh start. But it’s essential to approach it purposefully, strategically, with a goal. First, we need to know, or define, exactly what we want to achieve—who we want to be, what we want to have, where, with whom, and with what, and why. If we don’t know, we’ll be like a leaf on water. If we do know, we’ll focus all our thoughts and strengths on achieving that goal…”
Overcoming tough times is not easy!
“I fear that our readers who have endured tragedy may approach these lines with caution, if not resistance, thinking we’re speaking about something we don’t fully understand because we haven’t lived through it ourselves. It would have helped if we had worked on reprogramming the mind years before—which is my term for reshaping naturally negative thoughts, where we tend to see weaknesses and risks, into deliberately positive thoughts, where we seek values, opportunities, and benefits. This is no easy task, and mere positive affirmations won’t suffice. But people will hear, not only from me, that what helps most in hard times is focusing on the positive, expressing gratitude, living in the moment without regret for the past or fear of the future, nurturing relationships with those around us, and understanding ourselves while setting a sense of purpose. I would mention here the charming little book Pollyanna. It’s an inspirational story about the power of gratitude, which can turn darkness into light and despair into hope. The novel about a girl going through trials with the ‘Be Glad’ game, taught to her by her father, is a precious invitation to seek the good and beautiful in ourselves, others, and events.”
De Bono’s Tools for Effective Planning: How to navigate life’s tough challenges step by step, find solutions, and create an action plan?
“If I’m not speaking from a psychological standpoint, but from a practical approach to building the material part of a new life, I would use de Bono’s tools for effective planning.
- IGA (Intentions, Goals, Achievements) – set what you want to achieve in the end.
- RAC (Recognize All Conditions) – gather as much input data as possible about what you have at the start.
- OPA (Other People’s Attitudes) – consider the people around you as part of the framework from which you’re working, since we can’t work from dreams but from reality. Each person has their own attitude, and someone else’s attitude is a fact for us. We can’t change it, but we must consider it.
- FP (First Priorities) – if we’ve tried to collect as many goals, factors, and attitudes as possible so far, now we look at what is a priority for us. At this point, we transition from divergent to convergent thinking, narrowing down the framework.
- ACE (Alternative Choice Exploration) – we begin listing as many alternative options as possible, some common, others more desirable, and a few unusual ideas about how to get from where we are (RAC, OPA) to where we want to be (IGA). Here, we can also use de Bono’s tools for lateral thinking, the so-called ‘thinking outside the box,’ which means deliberately seeking solutions outside typical patterns.”
Work step-by-step.
“I know, all this sounds abstract, foreign, contrived, like it’s ‘some trick,’ but it truly works if you take a pen, paper, and a stopwatch. Work step-by-step, spending 3 to 5 minutes on each tool. Write as many varied responses as possible, at least seven for each point. This is the only way to truly commit to the topic and stay focused. Without this, your thoughts will wander everywhere, and your brain will quickly feel satisfied. Ideally, think alongside others – while you work on NCD, others do the same – and then share responses so that no one repeats what’s already been said. Each person only shares what hasn’t been mentioned. This also applies to each subsequent step. It’s the only way to avoid disagreements because instead of highlighting differences, you seek complementary ideas, exploring the topic from all possible angles.”
Let’s learn to recognize advantages, benefits, and values. There are simple techniques and exercises that anyone can apply, like creative thinking, to cope more easily with losses and move on in life. “So, if people had the time and opportunity to actively and consciously engage in their way of thinking, I would recommend at least some of de Bono’s methods. The problem with them – in this case – is that they require a longer period of practice. As with any skill, thinking is a skill. Thinking is a habit – learned, adopted, subconscious – where you already have a pre-shaped opinion about something and then defend it to avoid losing face in front of others. Thinking – conscious, directed, focused – is a skill, like knowledge of a foreign language, an instrument, or a sport. Something you learn, and when practiced long enough, it becomes subconscious. Our brains have been programmed since early times to think critically. We are not taught to recognize value, but we are very sensitive to dangers – mistakes, bad actions, risks, problems, and so on. Our minds, since the days of early humans, have been highly adept at spotting what can go wrong. And because of this, it’s necessary to practice over and over, to learn to recognize advantages, benefits, and values.”
Everything has some value. Where to start? “Even with very young children, we can begin with a basic tool, PMI – Positive, Negative, Interesting. Everything has some value, some flaw, and some point of interest. Nothing is purely black or white; it has three sides – if we’re willing to see them. It’s only important to consciously start by looking for the advantages. In his book Six Thinking Hats, de Bono calls this the yellow hat, where we look for the positives and benefits, short-term and long-term, from our own and others’ perspectives. It’s also essential to search for alternatives, different ways we could achieve our goal, as well as humor, which is creativity’s twin. That way, we don’t take everything deathly seriously but allow ourselves to have fun mentally while exploring possibilities. De Bono describes this in his book Lateral Thinking. We’ve learned that life goes up and down, that someone is always going through harder times than others, that everything is good for something, and that in relationships, listening to the other person is most important – not giving advice or lecturing, but simply offering an embrace, an ear, and a heart. The brain only comes into play in the next step.”
Luck or Misfortune?
To conclude, Nastja would like to share a story with you that you may already know. In other words, we can view something as positive, negative, interesting, or simply as something that happens in life and needs to be experienced because life has its ups and downs. This story comes from the book Why Me? Why This? Why Now? Embracing Your Destiny by Robin Norwood, published in Slovenia in 1994.
A farmer lived in a remote village. One day, he discovered that his cow had gone missing from the pasture. While searching for it, he encountered a neighbor who asked where he was headed. When he explained that his cow was missing, the neighbor shook his head and said,
“That’s truly unfortunate.”
“Luck, misfortune… who can judge that?” replied the farmer and continued on. In the hills outside the village, he found his cow grazing alongside a beautiful horse. When he started to lead the cow home, the horse followed them.
The next day, the neighbor visited him to ask about the cow. When he saw the cow grazing with the beautiful horse, he asked the farmer what had happened. The farmer explained that the horse had followed the cow all the way home. The neighbor remarked,
“That’s real luck!”
“Luck, misfortune… who can judge that?” replied the farmer again and returned to his work.
The following day, the farmer’s son, who served in the army, came home on leave. He immediately tried to ride the beautiful horse, but the horse threw him off, breaking his leg. When the neighbor, on his way to the market, saw the young man sitting on the porch with his leg propped up and bandaged while his father worked in the garden, he asked what had happened. Upon hearing the story, he shook his head:
“That’s a real misfortune,” he said.
“Luck, misfortune… who can judge that?” the farmer replied and continued working in the garden.
The next day, the son’s unit passed through the village. That night, war broke out, and the soldiers went into battle. Since the son couldn’t join the unit, the neighbor shouted to the farmer across the fence that at least he had been spared the loss of his son in the war.
“That’s luck,” the neighbor exclaimed.
“Luck, misfortune… who can judge that?” replied the farmer and went back to plowing.
That evening, the farmer and his son sat down to dinner. After a few bites, a chicken bone got caught in the son’s throat, and within moments, he died. At the funeral, the neighbor placed a hand on the farmer’s shoulder and sorrowfully said,
“That’s a real misfortune.”
“Luck, misfortune… who can judge that?” replied the farmer, placing a bouquet of flowers beside the coffin.
By the end of the week, the neighbor came to the farmer and told him that the entire son’s unit had been killed.
“At least you were with your son when he passed. That’s luck.”
“Luck, misfortune… who can judge that?” replied the farmer and continued on his way to the market.
And so it goes!
Text by Renata Ucman
